mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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