I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
