I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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