She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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