So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
