I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
