you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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