I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
