i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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