You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
