I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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