That's intense
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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