I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
