great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize