Umm I'm too high to move.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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