apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
