Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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