I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
