i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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