it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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