i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
