I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
