So drunk, too bad you don't want this
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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