my mouth tastes like poor choices
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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