i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
