Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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