It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
