He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
