I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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