he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
