I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
