his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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