My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
