Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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