He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
