You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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