Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We just shotgunned beers for America
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
