I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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