I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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