true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
