I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
