Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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