i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
