it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
