just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
