Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
