i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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