In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
