sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
