life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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