I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he thought i was a dude.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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