toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
