he told me I talked like a deaf person
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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