the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
